quotable

Jude:  "Wet's pway someting."

"I don't wike girls... but I wike you."

Ezzy:  Mommy, I wish we were people that buyed expensive stuff.

Me:  Like what?

Ezzy:  Like chocolate cookies that are expensive and cereal that is expensive.

Ezra sings a lot. He has this funny little deep pitched voice and his songs come out more like a chant that he repeats over and over.  Here are a few of his lyrics:

"Why would a momma chase an elephant?" (repeat over and over)

"I love God.

He's so strong and mighty and He has all the powers in the world

oooh... yeah....

I love God.

He's so awesome.

He can save us from all the bad guys in the world.

Oh....

My brothers hit me sometimes.

And it hurts so bad.

Just like God dying on the cross."

"Even when we're fighting and being mean to each other, God still loves you."

"I got lost in the woods.

My mom and dad couldn't find me.

It was so sad.

I couln't find the end of the jungle.

And my mom and dad couldn't find me." 

I overheard Jude and Ezra talking.  Jude was telling Ezra, "Mommy's my best friend."

Ezra holding a straw and waving it at Koa who is crawling on the floor.  He looks at me and says, "I'm training him."

Feeling Powerless

I'm sharing Playful Parenting techniques from my journal again today. ( Here, here and here are previous posts I've written on the topic).

Scenario 1:

Today the boys were playing with a belt.  Kai was pulling it while Ezra and Jude pulled the other way.  It was a fun game at first until Ezra got really frustrated and started crying and yelling at Kai.  I was coming over to help them sort the whole thing out when I decided to try another tactic. 

I grabbed the belt and ran, "Try to get me!"  At first Ezra looked at me angrily.  Kai and Jude were giggling and began to chase me.  Soon Ezra was giggling, too.  He chased me and I let him get the belt from me.  He threw it behind the couch declaring it to be in "cortis" (timeout in Costa Rica).  I began to sob really loud.  The boys were cracking up.  Kai came in with another belt which ended up in "cortis" too, behind the couch.  I sobbed again.  More laughs.  Then I said, "Let's have a snack."  And everyone went giggling happily to the table.

Imagine if you took all the time you now spend fussing at siblings to stop fighting, and you spent it playing with them.  What would happen?  I bet they'd fight less, enjoy each other more, and you'd have fun, too.  A great game for siblings is to grab the thing they are fighting over and run."

"If you think about what makes children giggle, often it's when reality is suspended and roles are reversed.  These are giggles of liberation as they are freeing themselves from worries, fears, and especially from feeling powerless over their lives.  They laugh, and their world is set right again."

Scenario 2:

Ezra was having a tough morning - crying over everything, getting angry, frustrated, not playing happily with his brothers.  We were outside looking at our hermit crabs.  Jude went inside to get them water.  He came back with a cupful and poured it into their bowl.  Ezra got mad because he wanted to pour it, not jude.  He bumped the habitat so Jude would spill and then laughed at him.  I asked him to stop because that was mean.  He sat on the floor and started crying. 

"When children are being mean, they are often sending us a signal that they are in need of more love and affection.  The problem is that we may not feel very inclined to offer much affection to children who have been mean, or sassy, or difficult.  Perhaps that's why children feel as if love is a scarce commodity sometimes.  If we get over our reluctance to give out love to children who have been "bad," then it won't be scarce anymore."

"Let's play a game!" I said.  We started with Go-Fish, but it wasn't going so well.  So we turned it into a huge memory game.  Kai got bored and drifted off to read, which was perfect because it gave me a chance to engage with Ezra.  "Let's play the game where Ezra gets all the matches!"  "Yeah!"  So Ezra went around and found all the matches with me cheering for him and calling him the Super-Match Man.  Yay!  And then we went to have a big glass of orange juice (Ezzy's favorite).  Now I see a major change in Ezra's behavior.  He's playing happily with Jude like the sweet, creative, silly, imaginative boy that he is!

"Some parents fear that letting their children play this way will leave them unprepared for the cold, cruel world of their peers.  Other children, after all, would never let them get away with such selfishness.  On the contrary, being in charge of the play and the rules fills children's cup (their need for love and security)- and that refill then leaves them more able to play happily on a level playing field with their peers.  It also helps them play out their tensions and upsets about the confusing world of games, rules, and competition." 

A lot of these ideas are really new to me.  I feel like as a mom I've been carrying a lot of stress and it's hard for me to just loosen up and be silly.  More often than not I'm cracking the whip, so to speak.  But I'm finding the benefits are incredible. So let's get down on the floor and play, laugh and have fun with our kids this week - and see what could happen!

Why I've backed off

Because this is what I find at the end of each day.  Piles and piles of books spread around the house.  All evidence of what Kai has been up to.  In this stack is a mix of readers, science books, chapter books, even a random Abeka book.  When I stop dictating what he needs to read and stop loading him down with vocabulary and spelling words each week, he follows his interests and ends up doing more than I would ever require of him. 

I love those moments when he's reading and he stops to ask me what a word means.  Often it's a book that I know he has read over and over again, and so it's interesting to me that he hasn't asked before about the definition of an unknown word.  But for some reason, at the moment he asks, it has become important to him.  I can watch his face as I tell him the definition and I know the new word is sinking into his vocabulary.  No need to test or drill - he's got it.  When children learn because they need to know something, that knowledge will stick.   To see those moments of true learning happen is the very reason I've backed off. 

I try to really value his questions, too, and let that direct our learning.  If he wants to know something I usually say - remember that question and we'll google it.  (95% of the time I do not know the answer myself!)  We end up watching videos of how things are made or how things work or different animals online and the whole family is into it!  Well, there's your science class! check!  It is so much easier to teach something he wants to know, with his full interest and attention, then something that he's bored with or not interested in.  That's the kind of learning that stays with you for life.  I have to hold back to allow my children to make discoveries.

In saying this, I'm not saying I've dropped all required work.   What I am saying is that I've noticed, as I hold back and create space for Kai, his natural curiosity is leading us in an exciting way.  And in those moments I see in him such an intense expression and amazing focus.  No lesson I design could ever create that moment or produce that depth of learning.

Tonight I had an incredible moment with Ezra that amazingly I captured on film.  I have not worked with him at all, so everything he's learning is through osmosis.  Tonight after his shower he asked if we could get out the letter blocks.  So we sat on the floor to play a little bit and he just sat there and began to make words and sound them out all on his own.  I didn't ask him to do that, or show him how, he just did it.  You can see on his face the joy he is finding in making and sounding out a word on his own.  He is able to concentrate and focus even with his brothers playing all around him. Some of the words he makes are not real words, but they're still fun to sound out. 

I don't think this moment would have happened like this if I had been pushing him and drilling him to learn letter sounds, making him sit and do workbook pages.  That type of work just kills the wonder and joy, especially at this age. 

Seeing that moment is like seeing the joy of learning before my very eyes.  I will do anything and everything to keep that joy and excitement alive. 

Emotions in kids

I'm working my way through, Playful Parenting, and journaling some of my experiences.  I thought I would share straight out of my journal with you this week! 

Scenario 1:

Today we went to our neighbor's birthday party.  Kai was invited to stay over longer with the bigger kids after the party.  Ezra didn't notice until we got home and he asked, "Where is Kai?"  I explained to him that Kai was invited to stay.  Ezra proceeded to burst into tears and sob and sob.  He wanted Kai to come home and play with him; he wanted to go back over, too.  I think deep down he just wanted to be included.  "I NEVER GET TO DO WHAT I WANT!"  Tears and sadness. 

I was in the middle of cleaning the kitchen.  I wanted him to just stop and play with Jude who was happily playing with cars.  His crying and fussing was so irritating to me.  "I don't want to play with Jude!!!"  I wiped my hands and sat on a stool and pulled Ezzy onto my lap.  I held him and scratched his back while he cried and cried.  I echoed his feelings to him and told him I understood how he felt.  Keeping myself calm and comforting while wondering, Will this crying ever stop?

All-of-a-sudden he stopped crying and looked at me with bright eyes.  "Let's bounce a ball on a blanket!  Like one of our soccer balls!"  I suggested a beach ball.  His face lit up.  "Oh yeah!  That would be better!"  he went to get the beach ball.  I got a blanket and roped in Jude and Scott.  We all stood there laughing and bouncing the ball around, for only a few minutes.  Then Ezzy and Jude drifted off to go play together. 

"Many people will do anything to get the crying to stop:  bribe, threaten, tease, plead, scold, send the child away, give in to unreasonable demands.  If we just accept the feelings and let them flow, they don't cause half as much fuss.  And after the tears are really done, everyone feels better."

"Tears are good.  When we release grief and loss and sadness through crying, we generally feel much better, think more clearly, and recover.  These benefits are especially true when we cry with someone who is caring and empathic."

Scenario 2:

Almost time to go out the door - change clothes, eat dinner quickly.  I'm going to my Bible study.  "Why do you always have to go?" says Kai in a very whiny voice.  It feels like such a selfish question.  It's the one thing I do - the only time I ever leave them.  And Kai - the oldest - is fussing about it.  I'm trying to make dinner quickly and Kai starts crying.  Arrgh.  Ok, Leslie, Stop.  Deep breaths.  He's crying - give him comfort - he feels sad.  I remind myself of this because I don't feel very compassionate about his tears at that moment.  So I go in his room and hold him on my lap, just hugging him.  He's so stiff and not very snuggly - but he needs it as much as the others.  Finally through the sobs, it comes out - it's not really about me leaving, it's about something else that happened in the day.  We talk it through.  Now he's fine, ready to hop off and play.  I hold on a little longer - make sure it's all out.  And he's fine again - happier than ever!

"Emotions don't come from nowhere.  It is presumptuous for us to decide which tears to be compassionate about and which ones to dismiss."

"We can cry alone, but it is so much more healing to cry on someone's shoulder.  That's why I recommend that parents not send their children to their rooms to cry alone, or leave them alone to cry themselves to sleep.  It is more time-consuming to stay with them, to help them let out their feelings of loneliness and sadness, but those feelings don't just go away because we shut the door on them."

"If I limit myself to one piece of advice to adults about children's crying, it is this:  Please do not send them off alone to cry.  Tears can be a tremendous opportunity for strengthening a connection between any two people, but especially between parent and child."

Sometimes it works out like that.

Making a batch of playdoh first thing in the morning = 5 minutes.

Happy playtime for Jude and Ezra = 1 1/2 hours straight. Literally. Yep, it was worth it!


And, by the way, here are a few links that inspired me this week:

I totally related to this post, No More Complaining, "I Feel So Tired."   Tiredness is just a fact of life for me, so I might as well get over it and stop whining about it!

This post, Motivating Learners in Your Homeschool inspired me in my homeschool endeavors. 

And I love the way Misha described motherhood with all it's sacrifice in her article, Enough.  She also has a fantastic booklist of her Recent Favorites.  I added a bunch of these to my amazon wishlist!

And this article, Practicing the Art of Whisper, is just great.

Jennifer is reading Playful Parenting, too! - and has written reviews for chapters 1, 2, 3 and 4 so far.

Developing character in our kids

Do you ever see a negative character trait expressed in your child and just cringe?  I believe that part of my job as mom is to help my children in their character development.  In the midst of dealing with difficult behaviors, I have to take deep breaths and remind myself to have grace.  Change is a process.  I have to pray about how to best address these things.  And I have to be diligent and not give up, even though it can be an exhausting process.

It helps to reflect, too.  The hard ages for me to deal with seem to be ages 4&5.  I remember going through a really difficult time with Kai at these ages.  I had times where I wondered if I would ever see results?  Would he ever get it?  "It's ok to be angry, but it's not ok to hit, scream, etc."  I repeated this phrase over and over and over again.  I can look back now and honestly say, he got it.  He did learn and he has gained a good measure of self-control over his emotions.  That's what I have to remember as I deal with Ezra and Jude who each turned 3 and 5 and seem to have entered into new phases with new challenges.

I'm working on teaching them about Honor.  According to this book, honor means: 

Treating people as special

Doing more than what's expected

Having a good attitude

I really like that. 

Counting Blessings on a Monday

198.  A relatively successful church attendance for the family.
199.  The way Kai takes charge and organizes his day, filling it with fun and productive activities.
200.  Play-fighting with lots of laughter.
201.  The silliness of these boys.
202.  Prayers and advice at women's Bible study.
203.  Hide and go seek at the park.
204.  Writing in my journal consistently again.
205.  Your powerful majestic lightning and thunder.
206.  bookshelves
207.  re-arranging furniture.
209.  benadryl
210.  Walking with my neighbor.
212.  My neighbor starting to homeschool.
214.  Provision
215.  rain, rain and more rain.
217.  Our awesome backyard.
219.  Getting our brakes fixed on the car so quickly.
221.  Christians in Jaco.
222.  Our amazing hermit crabs that are somehow still alive.
223.  Never having to even think about trash or stress about dishes because my husband is so on top of it.
225.  Feeling a flow with homeschool.
226.  Finally, a flexible schedule that Kai likes and sticks to.
227.  Little boys washing dishes.
228.  Koa learning to swim.
229.  Finding a little soccer club for Kai and he loves it.
230.  One-on-one time with Jude.

Cheap Thrills

Fun with food coloring

Just add a few drops of food coloring to water in clear containers.  I gave my kids a couple different kinds of medicine droppers to play with and they had fun for a long time mixing and adding colors.

Ezzy poured the water in containers.

 

Then he added a few drops of food coloring to each one.

Begin mixing with droppers.  Kai played too.

But this activity really captivated Ezzy's (almost 5) attention the longest.

Way behind...

I've been counting my way to 1,000 gifts, taking time to give thanks each Monday. I got waaaay behind on my list in the last month or two, but I've been doing some in my journal and thought I'd get back to gratitude on my blog. What a difference it makes to give thanks!

56. Whirring of fans.
57. Freshly cut grass.
58. Spontaneous scissor projects.
59. Sandbags ready for the next big rain.
60. Tax Return!
61. More bike riding and less driving.
62. Homemade get well cards when I'm sick.
63. Chubby baby legs.
64. The way the afternoon rain cools things off.
65. A wrist roll tan line.
66. Geckos in the house.
67. The thrill of a hermit crab changing shells.
68. Kai's soft, high singing voice that is amazingly on key.
69. Leggos - what a great toy.
70. A cool shower after a long, hot day.

71.  Trusting my husband.

72.  Extended baby days with this one.

73.  The way an iguana can captivate their attention so fully.

74.  This face.

75.  The incredible kid he's becoming.  Those moments when I look at him and I'm just amazed.

76.  Older brothers loving and caring for their baby brother.
77.  Fitting into non-maternity clothes - finally!

My mom sent me this article, which lead me to this blog, and this post (watch the video - it had me in tears!) - all with some great thoughts on gratitude with our children and science of the amazing difference this can make in the lives of parents and children.  The Bible exhorts us many times to "give thanks" at all times, in all circumstances.  How amazing to find science that backs this up.  God in his goodness doesn't command us to do things with no reason, but because of His great love for us and because He wants good things for us.  And so it is with giving thanks. 

a great post about sibling rivalry

I really liked this post at Holy Experience. I read it to the boys this morning, summarizing it in ways that they could understand. I couldn't get through it without crying. The pictures are impacting and I think Ezzy and Kai really got the message of it.

I also liked this 10 point manifest for joyful mothering also from Holy Experience and wanted to share it here, too.


1. Today, I will make our home a house of prayer. I will pray at set times. And I will invite oru children to come move into an interior space that lives with God.

2. Today, I will transfigure all things into beauty, and I will refuse to see anything else.

3. Today, I will nto have any emergencies. There are no emergencies! Only amateurs hurry.

4. Today, when stress mounts, I pray to dismount it with gratitude. My stress management plan will be intervention with verbal thanks. I can only feel one feeling at a time, and I choose to give thanks at all times. Fight feeling with feeling!

5. Today, I will pray to speak words that are only STRONG words, words that make these children feel strong. Grace words. Grace is the only non-toxic air. All other words I breathe are death words.

6. Today, I will pray to be consistently consistent. I will create safe rhythms that our children can find security in. I will create daily ceremonies because everyday we are celebrating the gift of now!

7. Today, the moment when I am most repelled by a child's behavior, that is my sign to draw the very closest to that child.

8. Today, I will hug each of my children as many times as I serve them meals - because children's hearts feed on touch. I'll look for as many opportunities to touch my children today as possible - the taller they are, the more so.

9. Today, my priorities will be all Things Unseen.

10. Today, I will laugh! And I will let the little children laugh! I will create a culture of JOY!

Wow, what a challenging list! I am especially challenged by number 7. I think that is going to be my specific goal for the next few days. I'm struggling with Ezra again. I've mentioned his behavior before on this blog site. He has such an intensity about him. He's at a really high frustration level right now too. He wants things to be a certain way and if they aren't he gets so upset. I feel like I relate to him, I know how he feels. I was a lot like him as a child. So, I actually feel bad for him because it's hard to feel that way. But then when the crying just continues and continues and won't stop, I start to lose my patience and I don't know what to do anymore. Especially because his crying is usually interrupting something else and interfering with other things we're doing or waking up a baby that I struggled so hard to get to sleep. So, I'm going to keep praying and keep drawing closer to him. Even when I don't know what to do, God does and so I'm going to lean on Him more to show me how to love this little boy beyond my own strength.

7 quick takes

1. Simplify Saturday This post is great about getting rid of stuff! We're moving in about a month, so I'm working on packing up (again). Also knowing we will probably be moving to a much smaller space I'm trying to get inspired to simplify, simplify, simplify!


2. Evidence that Little Touches Do Mean So Much I'm learning this through my second son, Ezra. I don't know too much about love languages, but I am pretty sure his is touch. He has been a snuggle bug since the day he was born. I can see how much he needs touch during his day - it just seems to reassure him and improve his behavior. I need to be intentional about giving him lots of loving touches.

3. Playing I love this post by Veronica. She talks passionately about the importance of children and how they are often overlooked in society or pushed to the side. Her love for her son and creativity in playing with him is inspirational!


4. I am having trouble getting to sleep at a decent hour. It's like after the kids go to bed I just get this burst of energy and there's so many things I want to do - all the things I can't do when four little ones need me constantly! I know need to start winding myself down earlier and getting a decent sleep. Anyways, I thought this was funny: Assuming God is a morning person and satan is a night owl My husband can testify, I am so not a morning person!!!


5. Carrying my kids This post by Tracie encouraged me to get out my sling and give it another try! I have not been able to get Koa comfortable in any of the various slings I have accumulated, so I put them away for a little bit. Reading this helped me remember how much I enjoyed carrying my other kids around and so I thought I would give it another try!

6. At the Heart of Homeschooling I'm still getting into a groove with this homeschooling business. It's tricky. I feel like I have so much to learn. I really enjoyed this post about having a heart for your children. It's not just for homeschooling moms, but for any parent. She also shares a "View from Down the Road," as her children are in college and she can see positive results of her efforts with her children while they were small.


7. Scott is going to Jaco this weekend with our friend who works in project development. I'm excited for him to go, but boo hoo for me, home alone with the kids :( Luckily a few girls are going to come stay with me, so I think we'll make it a fun time. Here's a video of one of the projects we may work with in Jaco:

A Canon 7D short: El Hueco from gnarly bay productions, Inc. on Vimeo.

more 7 quick takes here.

Some Thoughts on Behavior

Does anyone remember this face that I posted awhile back?

For quite awhile it seemed like all I was getting from Ezra was anger, sadness, tantrums, crying, and fighting with his brothers and me. Talk about exhausting! I also posted some of my strategies - for sibling rivalry and anger. Well, I'm not sure what happened, if these strategies "worked" or what, but man I am seeing a huge difference in Ezra's behavior. This past week I have received countless spontaneous hugs and kisses and I've gone from "Bad Mommy" to "The Best Mommy in the Whole World." That sure feels good!

Sometimes with my kids I feel like things go in waves. They start to push and push to find that boundary line, testing to see how far they can go. Really I think they're trying to see how secure they are in these loving limits. It gets to the point where I start to think, "I can't take it anymore! I can't stand this kid, his behavior is out of control, something must be done!" And then, just when I feel that nothing I'm doing is working, it lets up. It's like he knows he's ok. He's safe in our love. The boundaries are there, he's found them to hold firm, they won't move and he can relax and breathe and be content and secure and happy once more. Phew!

I'm glad my snuggle bear is back. I know he never left, but I was starting to wonder!

This gave me a really good chuckle today

Yes, that's Ezzy, Asleep on the toilet. Never seen that before!

Angry Choices

Ok, I'm not an expert or anything like that, but since a few people asked I thought I would do a post. Actually, I sat down with Ezzy and he is going to share with you so you can have his perspective:


When I'm angry sometimes I want to hit my brother. But mommy says, "It's ok to be angry, but it's not ok to hit." So I'm learning how to make a better choice. One thing I can do when I'm angry is show mommy how angry I am and hit my monkey because he doesn't get hurt. Another thing I can do is draw a picture to show how I feel. Another choice is to run fast outside or I can read a book in my room. That helps make me better. I can tell mommy how I feel and say, "I feel angry."


So, that's it basically! I just sat down with him and we wrote down some ideas of what he could do when he feels angry. This is his little "chart" on the back of the door that he looks at every morning so he can remember. It got scribbled on by Jude, but it still works. I think that kids are all wired so differently and you have to find what works for your kids. This worked really well with Kai and is now working well with Ezzy, too. Both have such strong emotions and my challenge is helping them know how to deal when their emotions are taking over. It's really hard. This doesn't always work, but it's at least helping him move in the right direction. The bonus as a Christian is that we also pray together and ask God to help. I know He loves the prayers from the hearts of these children and He will be faithful to help them. I'd love to hear what other moms do and any other ideas!