a great post about sibling rivalry

I really liked this post at Holy Experience. I read it to the boys this morning, summarizing it in ways that they could understand. I couldn't get through it without crying. The pictures are impacting and I think Ezzy and Kai really got the message of it.

I also liked this 10 point manifest for joyful mothering also from Holy Experience and wanted to share it here, too.


1. Today, I will make our home a house of prayer. I will pray at set times. And I will invite oru children to come move into an interior space that lives with God.

2. Today, I will transfigure all things into beauty, and I will refuse to see anything else.

3. Today, I will nto have any emergencies. There are no emergencies! Only amateurs hurry.

4. Today, when stress mounts, I pray to dismount it with gratitude. My stress management plan will be intervention with verbal thanks. I can only feel one feeling at a time, and I choose to give thanks at all times. Fight feeling with feeling!

5. Today, I will pray to speak words that are only STRONG words, words that make these children feel strong. Grace words. Grace is the only non-toxic air. All other words I breathe are death words.

6. Today, I will pray to be consistently consistent. I will create safe rhythms that our children can find security in. I will create daily ceremonies because everyday we are celebrating the gift of now!

7. Today, the moment when I am most repelled by a child's behavior, that is my sign to draw the very closest to that child.

8. Today, I will hug each of my children as many times as I serve them meals - because children's hearts feed on touch. I'll look for as many opportunities to touch my children today as possible - the taller they are, the more so.

9. Today, my priorities will be all Things Unseen.

10. Today, I will laugh! And I will let the little children laugh! I will create a culture of JOY!

Wow, what a challenging list! I am especially challenged by number 7. I think that is going to be my specific goal for the next few days. I'm struggling with Ezra again. I've mentioned his behavior before on this blog site. He has such an intensity about him. He's at a really high frustration level right now too. He wants things to be a certain way and if they aren't he gets so upset. I feel like I relate to him, I know how he feels. I was a lot like him as a child. So, I actually feel bad for him because it's hard to feel that way. But then when the crying just continues and continues and won't stop, I start to lose my patience and I don't know what to do anymore. Especially because his crying is usually interrupting something else and interfering with other things we're doing or waking up a baby that I struggled so hard to get to sleep. So, I'm going to keep praying and keep drawing closer to him. Even when I don't know what to do, God does and so I'm going to lean on Him more to show me how to love this little boy beyond my own strength.

peacemakers

I've mentioned quite a bit on this blog some of my thoughts on sibling rivalry. Having 4 boys so close in age, it's a topic of huge importance for me. I need to have peace in this house. When the boys play nicely together, it just warms my heart. But on the other side, nothing irritates me more than my children fighting. In all of parenting, it's probably the thing that I dislike the most. So, all that to say, I am really trying to teach my children the life skills they need to get along - like communication, problem-solving, identifying feelings, and also more spiritual issues about love, compassion, kindness, sharing and preferring others. Little by little, we're making progress! Our theme the past week has been "peacemakers." So, I put together a video by the boys. I already shared it on facebook, but I thought I'd share it here too!



I'd love to hear your thoughts on the subject and any ideas you have? What works for your family?

Sibling Love

me and my sis

Having four boys spaced so close together in age, the topic of "sibling rivalry" is a huge one for me. Seeing my boys play together nicely is one of the things that warms my heart the most. At the same time, nothing irritates or frustrates me more than listening to arguing, screaming, crying, hitting and fighting.

This topic is so important to me not just for my own peace, but also because I believe that sibling relationships have a pivotal role in shaping a child's life and view of themselves. In addition, I believe the home is where children begin to develop the skills they will use for all the caring relationships in their life. There's so much they need to know! Problem solving skills are essential - not just for sibling relationships, but for all of life. Unconditional love, respect, kindness, sharing, listening and empathy are other characteristics that need to be developed. But how? Maybe I'll ponder on these things in another post, but for now I wanted to share one simple little thing I do that helps with sibling rivalry and I think other moms might enjoy this too. I tell my boys stories from my childhood growing up.

My older sister and I truly were best buddies and so I share with my boys how special that was for me. I tell about games we used to play, adventures we had together, jokes we thought were funny, and on and on. Especially at times when fighting is at a high point, I'll start throwing in stories casually at random times throughout the day -for instance while eating lunch, bathtime, or bedtime. They find it so fascinating! Down to the smallest, silliest story, they think it's just great! I get frequent request to, "Tell about when you were little." I'd like to think that maybe these stories inspire them to get along and be friends.

I think this idea could work for any parent, no matter how you grew up. If it wasn't so ideal, you could share about that and how hard it was and things from that perspective. You may find, like me, that your children are more interested in your childhood than you would expect and that they can learn from our experiences - positive and negative. As for me, I'm having fun digging up old memories and sharing them with my little ones. What about you - have you found the same to be true? Do you have any tips to share for dealing with sibling rivalry?

More 30 minute blog challenges at Steady Mom

Some Thoughts on Behavior

Does anyone remember this face that I posted awhile back?

For quite awhile it seemed like all I was getting from Ezra was anger, sadness, tantrums, crying, and fighting with his brothers and me. Talk about exhausting! I also posted some of my strategies - for sibling rivalry and anger. Well, I'm not sure what happened, if these strategies "worked" or what, but man I am seeing a huge difference in Ezra's behavior. This past week I have received countless spontaneous hugs and kisses and I've gone from "Bad Mommy" to "The Best Mommy in the Whole World." That sure feels good!

Sometimes with my kids I feel like things go in waves. They start to push and push to find that boundary line, testing to see how far they can go. Really I think they're trying to see how secure they are in these loving limits. It gets to the point where I start to think, "I can't take it anymore! I can't stand this kid, his behavior is out of control, something must be done!" And then, just when I feel that nothing I'm doing is working, it lets up. It's like he knows he's ok. He's safe in our love. The boundaries are there, he's found them to hold firm, they won't move and he can relax and breathe and be content and secure and happy once more. Phew!

I'm glad my snuggle bear is back. I know he never left, but I was starting to wonder!

It Worked!

I've been trying to apply some of the principles of "Siblings Without Rivalry." The fighting is driving me up the wall - something must be done! Here are five steps outlined in the book (there are other steps when the situation is potentially dangerous or really difficult to resolve):

1. Start by acknowledging the children's anger towards each other. That alone should help calm them.
2. Listen to each child's side with respect.
3. Show appreciation for the difficulty of the problem.
4. Express faith in their ability to work out a mutually agreeable solution.
5. Leave the room.

So here's one scenario from today:

Ezzy: Screaming. It's that close-to-a-tantrum kind of scream.

I walk into the room and Kai has the little foam couch and is hiding in it. Ezra grabs it. Kai lunges for Ezra, grabs the couch back and returns to hiding in it. Ezra continues screaming. Uh oh - volatile situation!

Me: Ezzy, you want to use the couch?
Ezzy stops screaming long enough to nod.
Me: Kai, you do too, right?
Kai grunts in agreement from inside his hiding place.
Me: Hmmm... two kids who both want to use the couch. That's really tough. I bet if you work together you can come up with a solution that's fair to each of you.

Then I left the room.

This is what I heard as I was changing Koa's diaper.

Kai: Ok, come on Ezzy, I have an idea. We can go in the living room and build a fort. It's going to be really cool.
Ezra: no.
Kai went on describing the fort and trying to convince Ezra. Ezra was so worked up he wasn't going to come around easily. They continued arguing for a little bit and then next thing I knew both boys were happily walking to the living room to build a fort together.

Success!

Here the happy brothers are playing in their fort together.

I cannot believe it actually worked!!! Now if I can just be consistent and continue to do this. It's hard. I really like this idea from the book. The authors say:

Basically we try not to interfere, but when we must step in, it's always with the thought that at the earliest possible moment we want to turn the children back to dealing with each other. We want them to experience themselves as solvers of problems. That's the best preparation we can give them for the rest of their lives (p. 174).

We're on Vacation!

Yes, that's right. The Freeman family is on VACATION! This is pretty amazing for us, because on a missionary budget, let's just face it - vacations are not a priority. It's also hard to find the time to get away. So how did this vacation come about? Well, my dad decided to come and visit and he wanted to take us away to the beach for a week - he also brought my little brother along- bonus! So we're here on the Caribbean side (my favorite side of Costa Rica) in the little town of Puerto Viejo enjoying the beach and sunshine. What a treat! You might have noticed I changed my blog theme back to my original - it just doesn't feel very "christmasy" right now, so I thought I would embrace my surroundings and enjoy a very tropical Costa Rican christmas!

The hotel - Villas del Caribe - isn't it beautiful?

We can walk right to the beach

I love all the green!

Jude! What a little chubby cutie pie





We found hermit crabs this morning - they're so cool!



We made a little hermit crab habitat

Ezzy with the hermit crabs

Baby Koa enjoying the view from the balcony