Feeling Powerless

I'm sharing Playful Parenting techniques from my journal again today. ( Here, here and here are previous posts I've written on the topic).

Scenario 1:

Today the boys were playing with a belt.  Kai was pulling it while Ezra and Jude pulled the other way.  It was a fun game at first until Ezra got really frustrated and started crying and yelling at Kai.  I was coming over to help them sort the whole thing out when I decided to try another tactic. 

I grabbed the belt and ran, "Try to get me!"  At first Ezra looked at me angrily.  Kai and Jude were giggling and began to chase me.  Soon Ezra was giggling, too.  He chased me and I let him get the belt from me.  He threw it behind the couch declaring it to be in "cortis" (timeout in Costa Rica).  I began to sob really loud.  The boys were cracking up.  Kai came in with another belt which ended up in "cortis" too, behind the couch.  I sobbed again.  More laughs.  Then I said, "Let's have a snack."  And everyone went giggling happily to the table.

Imagine if you took all the time you now spend fussing at siblings to stop fighting, and you spent it playing with them.  What would happen?  I bet they'd fight less, enjoy each other more, and you'd have fun, too.  A great game for siblings is to grab the thing they are fighting over and run."

"If you think about what makes children giggle, often it's when reality is suspended and roles are reversed.  These are giggles of liberation as they are freeing themselves from worries, fears, and especially from feeling powerless over their lives.  They laugh, and their world is set right again."

Scenario 2:

Ezra was having a tough morning - crying over everything, getting angry, frustrated, not playing happily with his brothers.  We were outside looking at our hermit crabs.  Jude went inside to get them water.  He came back with a cupful and poured it into their bowl.  Ezra got mad because he wanted to pour it, not jude.  He bumped the habitat so Jude would spill and then laughed at him.  I asked him to stop because that was mean.  He sat on the floor and started crying. 

"When children are being mean, they are often sending us a signal that they are in need of more love and affection.  The problem is that we may not feel very inclined to offer much affection to children who have been mean, or sassy, or difficult.  Perhaps that's why children feel as if love is a scarce commodity sometimes.  If we get over our reluctance to give out love to children who have been "bad," then it won't be scarce anymore."

"Let's play a game!" I said.  We started with Go-Fish, but it wasn't going so well.  So we turned it into a huge memory game.  Kai got bored and drifted off to read, which was perfect because it gave me a chance to engage with Ezra.  "Let's play the game where Ezra gets all the matches!"  "Yeah!"  So Ezra went around and found all the matches with me cheering for him and calling him the Super-Match Man.  Yay!  And then we went to have a big glass of orange juice (Ezzy's favorite).  Now I see a major change in Ezra's behavior.  He's playing happily with Jude like the sweet, creative, silly, imaginative boy that he is!

"Some parents fear that letting their children play this way will leave them unprepared for the cold, cruel world of their peers.  Other children, after all, would never let them get away with such selfishness.  On the contrary, being in charge of the play and the rules fills children's cup (their need for love and security)- and that refill then leaves them more able to play happily on a level playing field with their peers.  It also helps them play out their tensions and upsets about the confusing world of games, rules, and competition." 

A lot of these ideas are really new to me.  I feel like as a mom I've been carrying a lot of stress and it's hard for me to just loosen up and be silly.  More often than not I'm cracking the whip, so to speak.  But I'm finding the benefits are incredible. So let's get down on the floor and play, laugh and have fun with our kids this week - and see what could happen!

Emotions in kids

I'm working my way through, Playful Parenting, and journaling some of my experiences.  I thought I would share straight out of my journal with you this week! 

Scenario 1:

Today we went to our neighbor's birthday party.  Kai was invited to stay over longer with the bigger kids after the party.  Ezra didn't notice until we got home and he asked, "Where is Kai?"  I explained to him that Kai was invited to stay.  Ezra proceeded to burst into tears and sob and sob.  He wanted Kai to come home and play with him; he wanted to go back over, too.  I think deep down he just wanted to be included.  "I NEVER GET TO DO WHAT I WANT!"  Tears and sadness. 

I was in the middle of cleaning the kitchen.  I wanted him to just stop and play with Jude who was happily playing with cars.  His crying and fussing was so irritating to me.  "I don't want to play with Jude!!!"  I wiped my hands and sat on a stool and pulled Ezzy onto my lap.  I held him and scratched his back while he cried and cried.  I echoed his feelings to him and told him I understood how he felt.  Keeping myself calm and comforting while wondering, Will this crying ever stop?

All-of-a-sudden he stopped crying and looked at me with bright eyes.  "Let's bounce a ball on a blanket!  Like one of our soccer balls!"  I suggested a beach ball.  His face lit up.  "Oh yeah!  That would be better!"  he went to get the beach ball.  I got a blanket and roped in Jude and Scott.  We all stood there laughing and bouncing the ball around, for only a few minutes.  Then Ezzy and Jude drifted off to go play together. 

"Many people will do anything to get the crying to stop:  bribe, threaten, tease, plead, scold, send the child away, give in to unreasonable demands.  If we just accept the feelings and let them flow, they don't cause half as much fuss.  And after the tears are really done, everyone feels better."

"Tears are good.  When we release grief and loss and sadness through crying, we generally feel much better, think more clearly, and recover.  These benefits are especially true when we cry with someone who is caring and empathic."

Scenario 2:

Almost time to go out the door - change clothes, eat dinner quickly.  I'm going to my Bible study.  "Why do you always have to go?" says Kai in a very whiny voice.  It feels like such a selfish question.  It's the one thing I do - the only time I ever leave them.  And Kai - the oldest - is fussing about it.  I'm trying to make dinner quickly and Kai starts crying.  Arrgh.  Ok, Leslie, Stop.  Deep breaths.  He's crying - give him comfort - he feels sad.  I remind myself of this because I don't feel very compassionate about his tears at that moment.  So I go in his room and hold him on my lap, just hugging him.  He's so stiff and not very snuggly - but he needs it as much as the others.  Finally through the sobs, it comes out - it's not really about me leaving, it's about something else that happened in the day.  We talk it through.  Now he's fine, ready to hop off and play.  I hold on a little longer - make sure it's all out.  And he's fine again - happier than ever!

"Emotions don't come from nowhere.  It is presumptuous for us to decide which tears to be compassionate about and which ones to dismiss."

"We can cry alone, but it is so much more healing to cry on someone's shoulder.  That's why I recommend that parents not send their children to their rooms to cry alone, or leave them alone to cry themselves to sleep.  It is more time-consuming to stay with them, to help them let out their feelings of loneliness and sadness, but those feelings don't just go away because we shut the door on them."

"If I limit myself to one piece of advice to adults about children's crying, it is this:  Please do not send them off alone to cry.  Tears can be a tremendous opportunity for strengthening a connection between any two people, but especially between parent and child."

Developing character in our kids

Do you ever see a negative character trait expressed in your child and just cringe?  I believe that part of my job as mom is to help my children in their character development.  In the midst of dealing with difficult behaviors, I have to take deep breaths and remind myself to have grace.  Change is a process.  I have to pray about how to best address these things.  And I have to be diligent and not give up, even though it can be an exhausting process.

It helps to reflect, too.  The hard ages for me to deal with seem to be ages 4&5.  I remember going through a really difficult time with Kai at these ages.  I had times where I wondered if I would ever see results?  Would he ever get it?  "It's ok to be angry, but it's not ok to hit, scream, etc."  I repeated this phrase over and over and over again.  I can look back now and honestly say, he got it.  He did learn and he has gained a good measure of self-control over his emotions.  That's what I have to remember as I deal with Ezra and Jude who each turned 3 and 5 and seem to have entered into new phases with new challenges.

I'm working on teaching them about Honor.  According to this book, honor means: 

Treating people as special

Doing more than what's expected

Having a good attitude

I really like that. 

Kai's Poem

I woke up this morning and found a poem sitting on the table, evidence that Kai was busy before I was even awake.

Mik

My Mik can bring and

he has a ring

and he can sting

and he is a king.

It's written in purple marker with an accompanying illustration.  Wow, it really brought a smile to my face! 

math struggles

The last two weeks have seen Kai and I seriously struggling to get his math work done.  His eyes glaze over, he says he's "soooo tired," and resists in every way.  I've been trying to push through with the Horizon curriculum we purchased because it was expensive.   Honestly, I was expecting it to be something totally different than it is - which is basically just a set of workbooks with a teacher's manual.  I've also been sticking with it because I don't have the confidence to really know which direction to go with math.  And somewhere in the back of my head there's this little nagging thought, "Is he behind other children?" and "Is he where he needs to be?"   The curriculum has been a crutch for me to lean on to give me that security of knowing that I'm headed in the "right" direction.  But it's not working.  Kai is unhappy.  I am unhappy.  Our relationship becomes strained as I push him to do something he doesn't want to do.  My joyful, happy, curious boy is becoming whiny and grumpy.

Something clicked on Friday when he looked up at me and grabbed his head, "My brain is getting too fat," he said.  "It's too filled up than it's supposed to be." 


I really had to pause and just listen to those words, to really grasp what he was trying to communicate to me.  It was a description of a painful situation for him.  It's time to re-evaluate what I'm doing and make changes.

I spent time this weekend reading through some of my books and exploring articles and blog posts about math.  And crying some, too, just feeling bad about how things are going. 

Here's a few quotes and thoughts and things I'm thinking through.

These are from The Successful Homeschool Family Handbook

"Your curriculum should be tailored to your child and provide him much more time to pursue his interests than your workbooks.  For many parents a good curriculum provides feelings of security.  But parents need to learn how children develop and learn." 

"Why struggle with and push our children to learn something when they don't want to?  'To everything there is a season,' wrote King Solomon.  The wise parent, we have discovered, patiently waits for 'springtime' and 'harvest' rather than forcing something prematurely.  When we find ourselves pushing, we back off and try a new tack."

And from The Three R's by Ruth Beechick


"Practically every item in the first grade curriculum can be taught using real-life methods.  In fact, they are better taught in real life, including games, than in daily sit-down arithmetic lessons.  ...As a homeschool teacher you do not need a workbook and daily written assignments such as a classroom teacher might use.  Your one-on-one teaching can accomplish more.  But if your child likes it, occasional use of a workbook is all right."

And this really interesting article:  Kids Learn Math Easily When They Control Their Own Learning

And this one:  Just Do the Math

As I'm reading all this Ezzy and Jude begin to argue over some toy monkeys.  They each want the set of three monkeys.  So Kai says, "Well, if we had 6 monkeys they could each have three."  The Ezzy says,

"What if Koa wanted three too?"

"Then we would need 9."

"And what if mommy wanted three?"

"12."

And they went all the way up to 21 calculating if our whole family and God each wanted three monkeys.  Kai said each answer without missing a beat.  I looked at him in wonder.  If I had written 9 + 3 =  on a piece of paper and asked him to solve it, he could do it but he would agonize over it.  But here in a real life situation that was interesting for him it was very easy.

This is what Ruth Beechick talks about when she says, "Don't throw away your opportunity by imitating school too closely.  Use real life for teaching."

"...use real-life situations to teach bits of arithmetic and to build a 'need' to know arithmetic."

"Most arithmetic should be mental.  It happens in conversation, not in written assignments."

The last thing I want to do is kill his curiosity and spirit of adventure and joy in learning through a series of workbooks which are ineffective.

peacemakers

I've mentioned quite a bit on this blog some of my thoughts on sibling rivalry. Having 4 boys so close in age, it's a topic of huge importance for me. I need to have peace in this house. When the boys play nicely together, it just warms my heart. But on the other side, nothing irritates me more than my children fighting. In all of parenting, it's probably the thing that I dislike the most. So, all that to say, I am really trying to teach my children the life skills they need to get along - like communication, problem-solving, identifying feelings, and also more spiritual issues about love, compassion, kindness, sharing and preferring others. Little by little, we're making progress! Our theme the past week has been "peacemakers." So, I put together a video by the boys. I already shared it on facebook, but I thought I'd share it here too!



I'd love to hear your thoughts on the subject and any ideas you have? What works for your family?

moving in progress

I haven't been posting because we are moving and it's a crazy time to say the least. I'm not really great at transitions. Luckily I am so busy with packing and getting ready, I don't have time to wrap my brain around what is actually happening. People keep asking me if I'm excited. Honestly, I have so many different emotions right now, I don't even know how to begin to express it. So I won't. I'll just get busy and keep moving and I'm sure I will post more later all about it!