Feeling Powerless

I'm sharing Playful Parenting techniques from my journal again today. ( Here, here and here are previous posts I've written on the topic).

Scenario 1:

Today the boys were playing with a belt.  Kai was pulling it while Ezra and Jude pulled the other way.  It was a fun game at first until Ezra got really frustrated and started crying and yelling at Kai.  I was coming over to help them sort the whole thing out when I decided to try another tactic. 

I grabbed the belt and ran, "Try to get me!"  At first Ezra looked at me angrily.  Kai and Jude were giggling and began to chase me.  Soon Ezra was giggling, too.  He chased me and I let him get the belt from me.  He threw it behind the couch declaring it to be in "cortis" (timeout in Costa Rica).  I began to sob really loud.  The boys were cracking up.  Kai came in with another belt which ended up in "cortis" too, behind the couch.  I sobbed again.  More laughs.  Then I said, "Let's have a snack."  And everyone went giggling happily to the table.

Imagine if you took all the time you now spend fussing at siblings to stop fighting, and you spent it playing with them.  What would happen?  I bet they'd fight less, enjoy each other more, and you'd have fun, too.  A great game for siblings is to grab the thing they are fighting over and run."

"If you think about what makes children giggle, often it's when reality is suspended and roles are reversed.  These are giggles of liberation as they are freeing themselves from worries, fears, and especially from feeling powerless over their lives.  They laugh, and their world is set right again."

Scenario 2:

Ezra was having a tough morning - crying over everything, getting angry, frustrated, not playing happily with his brothers.  We were outside looking at our hermit crabs.  Jude went inside to get them water.  He came back with a cupful and poured it into their bowl.  Ezra got mad because he wanted to pour it, not jude.  He bumped the habitat so Jude would spill and then laughed at him.  I asked him to stop because that was mean.  He sat on the floor and started crying. 

"When children are being mean, they are often sending us a signal that they are in need of more love and affection.  The problem is that we may not feel very inclined to offer much affection to children who have been mean, or sassy, or difficult.  Perhaps that's why children feel as if love is a scarce commodity sometimes.  If we get over our reluctance to give out love to children who have been "bad," then it won't be scarce anymore."

"Let's play a game!" I said.  We started with Go-Fish, but it wasn't going so well.  So we turned it into a huge memory game.  Kai got bored and drifted off to read, which was perfect because it gave me a chance to engage with Ezra.  "Let's play the game where Ezra gets all the matches!"  "Yeah!"  So Ezra went around and found all the matches with me cheering for him and calling him the Super-Match Man.  Yay!  And then we went to have a big glass of orange juice (Ezzy's favorite).  Now I see a major change in Ezra's behavior.  He's playing happily with Jude like the sweet, creative, silly, imaginative boy that he is!

"Some parents fear that letting their children play this way will leave them unprepared for the cold, cruel world of their peers.  Other children, after all, would never let them get away with such selfishness.  On the contrary, being in charge of the play and the rules fills children's cup (their need for love and security)- and that refill then leaves them more able to play happily on a level playing field with their peers.  It also helps them play out their tensions and upsets about the confusing world of games, rules, and competition." 

A lot of these ideas are really new to me.  I feel like as a mom I've been carrying a lot of stress and it's hard for me to just loosen up and be silly.  More often than not I'm cracking the whip, so to speak.  But I'm finding the benefits are incredible. So let's get down on the floor and play, laugh and have fun with our kids this week - and see what could happen!

Developing character in our kids

Do you ever see a negative character trait expressed in your child and just cringe?  I believe that part of my job as mom is to help my children in their character development.  In the midst of dealing with difficult behaviors, I have to take deep breaths and remind myself to have grace.  Change is a process.  I have to pray about how to best address these things.  And I have to be diligent and not give up, even though it can be an exhausting process.

It helps to reflect, too.  The hard ages for me to deal with seem to be ages 4&5.  I remember going through a really difficult time with Kai at these ages.  I had times where I wondered if I would ever see results?  Would he ever get it?  "It's ok to be angry, but it's not ok to hit, scream, etc."  I repeated this phrase over and over and over again.  I can look back now and honestly say, he got it.  He did learn and he has gained a good measure of self-control over his emotions.  That's what I have to remember as I deal with Ezra and Jude who each turned 3 and 5 and seem to have entered into new phases with new challenges.

I'm working on teaching them about Honor.  According to this book, honor means: 

Treating people as special

Doing more than what's expected

Having a good attitude

I really like that. 

math struggles

The last two weeks have seen Kai and I seriously struggling to get his math work done.  His eyes glaze over, he says he's "soooo tired," and resists in every way.  I've been trying to push through with the Horizon curriculum we purchased because it was expensive.   Honestly, I was expecting it to be something totally different than it is - which is basically just a set of workbooks with a teacher's manual.  I've also been sticking with it because I don't have the confidence to really know which direction to go with math.  And somewhere in the back of my head there's this little nagging thought, "Is he behind other children?" and "Is he where he needs to be?"   The curriculum has been a crutch for me to lean on to give me that security of knowing that I'm headed in the "right" direction.  But it's not working.  Kai is unhappy.  I am unhappy.  Our relationship becomes strained as I push him to do something he doesn't want to do.  My joyful, happy, curious boy is becoming whiny and grumpy.

Something clicked on Friday when he looked up at me and grabbed his head, "My brain is getting too fat," he said.  "It's too filled up than it's supposed to be." 


I really had to pause and just listen to those words, to really grasp what he was trying to communicate to me.  It was a description of a painful situation for him.  It's time to re-evaluate what I'm doing and make changes.

I spent time this weekend reading through some of my books and exploring articles and blog posts about math.  And crying some, too, just feeling bad about how things are going. 

Here's a few quotes and thoughts and things I'm thinking through.

These are from The Successful Homeschool Family Handbook

"Your curriculum should be tailored to your child and provide him much more time to pursue his interests than your workbooks.  For many parents a good curriculum provides feelings of security.  But parents need to learn how children develop and learn." 

"Why struggle with and push our children to learn something when they don't want to?  'To everything there is a season,' wrote King Solomon.  The wise parent, we have discovered, patiently waits for 'springtime' and 'harvest' rather than forcing something prematurely.  When we find ourselves pushing, we back off and try a new tack."

And from The Three R's by Ruth Beechick


"Practically every item in the first grade curriculum can be taught using real-life methods.  In fact, they are better taught in real life, including games, than in daily sit-down arithmetic lessons.  ...As a homeschool teacher you do not need a workbook and daily written assignments such as a classroom teacher might use.  Your one-on-one teaching can accomplish more.  But if your child likes it, occasional use of a workbook is all right."

And this really interesting article:  Kids Learn Math Easily When They Control Their Own Learning

And this one:  Just Do the Math

As I'm reading all this Ezzy and Jude begin to argue over some toy monkeys.  They each want the set of three monkeys.  So Kai says, "Well, if we had 6 monkeys they could each have three."  The Ezzy says,

"What if Koa wanted three too?"

"Then we would need 9."

"And what if mommy wanted three?"

"12."

And they went all the way up to 21 calculating if our whole family and God each wanted three monkeys.  Kai said each answer without missing a beat.  I looked at him in wonder.  If I had written 9 + 3 =  on a piece of paper and asked him to solve it, he could do it but he would agonize over it.  But here in a real life situation that was interesting for him it was very easy.

This is what Ruth Beechick talks about when she says, "Don't throw away your opportunity by imitating school too closely.  Use real life for teaching."

"...use real-life situations to teach bits of arithmetic and to build a 'need' to know arithmetic."

"Most arithmetic should be mental.  It happens in conversation, not in written assignments."

The last thing I want to do is kill his curiosity and spirit of adventure and joy in learning through a series of workbooks which are ineffective.

a great post about sibling rivalry

I really liked this post at Holy Experience. I read it to the boys this morning, summarizing it in ways that they could understand. I couldn't get through it without crying. The pictures are impacting and I think Ezzy and Kai really got the message of it.

I also liked this 10 point manifest for joyful mothering also from Holy Experience and wanted to share it here, too.


1. Today, I will make our home a house of prayer. I will pray at set times. And I will invite oru children to come move into an interior space that lives with God.

2. Today, I will transfigure all things into beauty, and I will refuse to see anything else.

3. Today, I will nto have any emergencies. There are no emergencies! Only amateurs hurry.

4. Today, when stress mounts, I pray to dismount it with gratitude. My stress management plan will be intervention with verbal thanks. I can only feel one feeling at a time, and I choose to give thanks at all times. Fight feeling with feeling!

5. Today, I will pray to speak words that are only STRONG words, words that make these children feel strong. Grace words. Grace is the only non-toxic air. All other words I breathe are death words.

6. Today, I will pray to be consistently consistent. I will create safe rhythms that our children can find security in. I will create daily ceremonies because everyday we are celebrating the gift of now!

7. Today, the moment when I am most repelled by a child's behavior, that is my sign to draw the very closest to that child.

8. Today, I will hug each of my children as many times as I serve them meals - because children's hearts feed on touch. I'll look for as many opportunities to touch my children today as possible - the taller they are, the more so.

9. Today, my priorities will be all Things Unseen.

10. Today, I will laugh! And I will let the little children laugh! I will create a culture of JOY!

Wow, what a challenging list! I am especially challenged by number 7. I think that is going to be my specific goal for the next few days. I'm struggling with Ezra again. I've mentioned his behavior before on this blog site. He has such an intensity about him. He's at a really high frustration level right now too. He wants things to be a certain way and if they aren't he gets so upset. I feel like I relate to him, I know how he feels. I was a lot like him as a child. So, I actually feel bad for him because it's hard to feel that way. But then when the crying just continues and continues and won't stop, I start to lose my patience and I don't know what to do anymore. Especially because his crying is usually interrupting something else and interfering with other things we're doing or waking up a baby that I struggled so hard to get to sleep. So, I'm going to keep praying and keep drawing closer to him. Even when I don't know what to do, God does and so I'm going to lean on Him more to show me how to love this little boy beyond my own strength.