How do we produce change in our lives?

Sometimes God comes in and boom!  Instant transformation!  More often, though, it's a gradual, daily walking it out.  It seems like lately this is my heart's cry:

I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it.  Instead, I do what I hate.  ...I want to do what is right, but I can't.  I want to do what is good, but I don't.  I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.  ...I have discovered this principle of life - that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong.  ...Oh what a miserable person I am!  Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?  Thank God!  The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.

From Romans chapter 7

I'm really trying to change some of my parenting responses.  Yelling, frustration, irritibility.  It seems like when things get stressful and tensions rise, I start yelling in order to get compliance.  I want to be less harsh in my responses towards my children and more kind.  More patient.  I know this is a good commitment to make and I'm praying each day and asking the Lord to help me.  I want to do better. 

The process of change is excruciating.  It's not just a matter of replacing a bad habit with a good one, though that is part of it, but more than that, it's a matter of changing your character - your very nature and personality.  The Bible is clear about how to do it - but knowing how and doing it are two different things.  Failing in my own strength, needing to rely on Christ, to die to my own selfishness, to call out for help, to let go of my pride.   All I can do at times is just fall down and say, "I can't do it on my own... in my own strength I cannot... I repeatedly fail..."

But, you know what, I started praying this prayer two months ago.  And I started journaling my better moments - moments when I distinctly did the opposite of what I felt and what the result was.  I'm looking through my journal today and I can honestly say I think the positive moments are becoming more and more frequent.  I think that change is truly happening, though at a slower pace than I would like, it is happening.

And so, I take heart.  And press on.

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."  Philippians 1:6 

Eeek! I love these curls!

Aren't they just delicious?

Costa Rica, día de la independencia

We spent the week in San Jose last week, while my husband was teaching in one of the Bible courses going on there.  In the middle of the week was Costa Rican Independence day and my friends, Gaby and Karen, convinced me to go downtown with them to watch the parades.  I was thinking it was going to be a disaster!  Taking the boys on the bus, fighting the crowds, trying to hold onto all the little hands... you can imagine!  But, I thought, why not?  Let's go for it!

Gaby holding Koa

Me and Karen - we had seven children with us between the three of us!

A little girl in the adorable traditional outfit

The parade!

We stopped in Plaza de la Cultura to feed pigeons - this is our friend Renate who was brave enough to come with us as well!

Saying goodbye to TV... again!

About two months ago, our landlord asked us if we could "babysit" a TV in the upstairs apartment while it sat empty.   "Sure!" we replied!  We were able to use a DVD player and have really enjoyed watching movies.  There are those certain moments when it is just so convenient to put a video on for the kids.  But then it seems those moments become more and more common.  And then the kids start to ask for it more often then I'd like.  It sort of snowballs.  Our big thing, too, is letting the kids fall asleep watching a movie.  By the end of the day we're exhausted so it's just easier, but we end up missing out on those precious bedtime moments.

Well, last week new tenants moved in upstairs and so the TV had to go back.  Once again we are living TVless and once again I'm loving it.  We do have an option to watch videos on our computer, but this computer is my lifeline - for really important stuff, you know, like checking my facebook and writing my blogs, right? ;)  No, seriously, we really don't want to use the computer for videos because it is very important to us.  So we decided as a family to have movie night once a week - you know make it a big deal with popcorn and excitement and have that be that.  It's amazing how fast the kids adjust to it, too, and come up with way more creative things to do.

First night without the TV!

It's better this way!

My little surfers

more co-sleeping

the elusive schedule

Creating a workable schedule is one of the biggest challenges of homeschooling.  It's difficult because a huge benefit of homeschooling is the flexiblility you have.  But at the same time, children thrive with structure as well.  So it's up to me, as mom, to order our days together.  I've tried several different schedules, but finally feel like I'm in a good groove now with Kai. 

Initially, to make our current schedule I sat down with Kai and we listed all the things he'd like to include in our day - this was his chance to say what he would like to happen.  For instance, he wanted to have a time set for soccer, for helping with Koa, for play, snack, free reading, etc.  Those things are important to him and it means a lot to him to be able to see that on his daily schedule.  And that's just fine!

Also, to make it less intimidating, I lumped together all of his seat work and called it "Table Time" on his schedule.  I did this instead of listing separately:  math, writing, and other required work.  I also added "Read with mom," which covers read-alouds, history and science alternately. 

Where other schedules have failed me, this is working great for us.  It's just relaxed enough to retain the flexibility and freedom we love, but has enough structure to make sure we cover our required stuff.  It has enough things that Kai loves and chose for himself that he's willing to do the difficult "table time," which is where our battles were coming from. 

I feel like this year I keep adjusting and readjusting - learning, observing, making changes.  Slowly but surely finding my way through this first year of homeschooling.

Curious George party

What's going on with Jude?

This is a journal entry from September 10:

Ever since I got back from my trip, Jude has been like a different kid. He's so clingy. He wants me to carry him everywhere and do everything for him. He wants nothing to do with Scott - only mommy. And he keeps shouting for things in a high-pitched, stressed-out voice, "I need JUICE!!" It is so frustrating, irritating, exasperating! I love this boy with all my heart, but I'm at my wits end with him.

Definitely I can see that when I went on that trip it caused some stress in little Jude's life.  Not only did I leave him, I brought the baby with me.  I chose Koa over him.  That's painful.  It's been tough to get that connection back with him.  The hard thing is, I know that what he needs is more connection, but his behavior is causing the opposite to happen.  And with three other children, including a baby, it's really hard to re-connect.  And honestly, I don't even know how to reconnect!

Well, I started reading a new book, Playful Parenting, and I had the breakthrough I've been praying for. I never realized before that play is such a powerful way to connect with our children. 

"Since fun and laughs are the currency of children's play, we may need some work on lightening up a bit.  When we get disconnected from children - and we do, again and again - play is our best bridge back to deep connection with them."

So, yesterday I determined to be more playful and see what would happen.  I needed to go grocery shopping and decided that I would take my little "tiger cubs" shopping.  When I took each one out of the van I gave them a little tug at the back of their necks with my mouth, the way a momma tiger carries her cubs.  Jude's eyes were twinkling.  He thought this was the greatest thing ever. Instead of buying food we were hunting, and our grocery bags were our meat.  The boys helped carry the bags into the car by carrying them in their mouths like little tigers.  It was hysterical.

"When we are exhausted or when we are at the end of our rope, we tend to think that play will be just more of an energy drain.  But when we engage playfully with our children, we find that sudenly we do have the energy, both for fun and for finding creative solutions to thorny problems."

That night Kai, Ezzy and Koa all fell asleep, but Jude was still awake.  This is a situation that could potentially frustrate me, but I decided to keep the playfulness going just to see what would happen.  We started out playing tigers again.  He was the baby tiger, I was the mommy and Scott was the daddy.  Then we were hawks and the daddy hawk taught him how to fly and the mommy hawk fed him some worms.  Then we were hermit crabs.  Again he was the baby and Scott and I were the parents.  We had to hide in our shells a lot.  Next we were bears, but this time he was a "big boy bear."  His voice changed a little bit, he was being more confident and doing more things as a big boy bear.  Then I suggested that the big boy bear was tired.  He went to lay down by Koa, still as the "big boy bear" whispering that the big boy bear wouldn't wake up the baby.

Jude's face as I entered his world of imaginary play was incredible.  Eyes alive, alert, engaged.  Facial expression serious, concentrated, intense, fully engrossed in what he was imagining.  He was seriously happy - like I haven't seen him in quite some time. 

Now today he seems to have a deeper contentment, he seems more brave, more able to risk being a "big boy" and know that I'll be here, buiding trust back with me.

A friend came by who's known to be a big Jude fan.  Since my trip Jude has been very grumpy and mean with this friend who used to be his pal.  Well, today Jude was being friendly, silly and engaging once more.  "Wow, he's getting back to like he was before,"  he said.  Yes, he is.   I think my Jude is back to stay.
 

a prayer for sleep

O heavenly Father, you give your children sleep for the refreshing of soul and body. Grant me this gift, I pray;

keep me in that perfect peace which you have promised to those whose minds are fixed on you;

and give me such a sense of your presence, that in the hours of silence I may enjoy the blessed assurance of your love, through Jesus Christ our Savior.

Amen.

- Book of Common Prayer

{this moment} co-sleepers

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. 

I let my children fight

Yes, it's true.  I'm outnumbered here 5:1, so I learned pretty quickly to let boys be boys.  But we do have some ground rules:

1.  Playfighting is allowed, real fights are not.  If you visit my home you will here me asking, "Is this a playfight or a real fight?"  If both children answer, "playfight!" then it's allowed.  If not, it will stop immediately.

2.  To qualify as a "playfight" both children must agree it's a playfight.  In otherwords, if one child thinks it's a playfight and the other one feels it's a real fight, then it must stop immediately.

3.  There are some risks involved.  If you choose to playfight, you may get hurt.  If this happens, I usually recommend that the child takes a break.  When I recommend this, the child usually all-of-a-sudden feels better and decides that to keep playing would be way more fun than taking a break, and maybe is not feeling so hurt after all.

4.  Koa just can't wait to get in on the action.

Here's what I'm talking about...  beware this video is not for the faint of heart.  You may see some intense moments, but just look and you'll see the smiles on the faces.  It's taken me awhile to understand the strange world of boys - but I think stuff like this is a huge part of it, and possibly very necessary...

Developing character in our kids

Do you ever see a negative character trait expressed in your child and just cringe?  I believe that part of my job as mom is to help my children in their character development.  In the midst of dealing with difficult behaviors, I have to take deep breaths and remind myself to have grace.  Change is a process.  I have to pray about how to best address these things.  And I have to be diligent and not give up, even though it can be an exhausting process.

It helps to reflect, too.  The hard ages for me to deal with seem to be ages 4&5.  I remember going through a really difficult time with Kai at these ages.  I had times where I wondered if I would ever see results?  Would he ever get it?  "It's ok to be angry, but it's not ok to hit, scream, etc."  I repeated this phrase over and over and over again.  I can look back now and honestly say, he got it.  He did learn and he has gained a good measure of self-control over his emotions.  That's what I have to remember as I deal with Ezra and Jude who each turned 3 and 5 and seem to have entered into new phases with new challenges.

I'm working on teaching them about Honor.  According to this book, honor means: 

Treating people as special

Doing more than what's expected

Having a good attitude

I really like that. 

Kai's Poem

I woke up this morning and found a poem sitting on the table, evidence that Kai was busy before I was even awake.

Mik

My Mik can bring and

he has a ring

and he can sting

and he is a king.

It's written in purple marker with an accompanying illustration.  Wow, it really brought a smile to my face! 

Counting Blessings on a Monday

198.  A relatively successful church attendance for the family.
199.  The way Kai takes charge and organizes his day, filling it with fun and productive activities.
200.  Play-fighting with lots of laughter.
201.  The silliness of these boys.
202.  Prayers and advice at women's Bible study.
203.  Hide and go seek at the park.
204.  Writing in my journal consistently again.
205.  Your powerful majestic lightning and thunder.
206.  bookshelves
207.  re-arranging furniture.
209.  benadryl
210.  Walking with my neighbor.
212.  My neighbor starting to homeschool.
214.  Provision
215.  rain, rain and more rain.
217.  Our awesome backyard.
219.  Getting our brakes fixed on the car so quickly.
221.  Christians in Jaco.
222.  Our amazing hermit crabs that are somehow still alive.
223.  Never having to even think about trash or stress about dishes because my husband is so on top of it.
225.  Feeling a flow with homeschool.
226.  Finally, a flexible schedule that Kai likes and sticks to.
227.  Little boys washing dishes.
228.  Koa learning to swim.
229.  Finding a little soccer club for Kai and he loves it.
230.  One-on-one time with Jude.

Cheap Thrills

One last thought

I wanted to share one last bit out of A Mother's Heart.

Drying the dishes one afternoon, I felt trapped.  The children were being especially raucous, and I felt irritated.  They seemed to rub against each other like sandpaper, and a tone of disharmony prevailed.  "What's wrong with them?" I asked as I became more annoyed.

Then I paused and considered myself.  Had I set the unpleasant tone?  Had I been impatient and unkind in my dealings with them?  Had I given them any undivided attention that day?

Gradually, I saw that I was not an innocent victim held captive by a bunch of hooligans.  I was part of the problem, perhaps even the originator of the problem.  How could I turn things around?  I hung up my dish towel and focused my attention on them.

I gathered up several library books and a blanket, and we all climbed onto the couch and covered our legs with the blanket.  I read to them for only half an hour, but the closeness and warmth changed the tone.  No further action was necessary.  I didn't have to correct or lecture them.  It was enough to change my attitude.

To be wise, every woman must start with herself (p. 67-678). 

I was having a really tough morning with Kai the other day when this scene from the book popped in my head.  It actually took extreme effort on my part, but I stopped engaging in the conflict with my children, gathered books and pulled the children onto the couch with me.  We read this book that my sister-in-law gave me.

It did the trick!  Just reading and being together calmed everyone down.  Kai went back to his school work with renewed energy and enthusiasm.  He chose one of the verses in this book to do for his copywork and I copied some of the scriptures that he liked to hang on his wall.

A true gift

You can be physically present and still not make a positive contribution to your children. You can be there, but not be all there. Your mind can be a million miles away, your energy and your ambitions drained by other pursuits. You can focus your attention on your "do list," the television, a good book, or decorating your home, and be oblivious to your child's needs. You may be too busy or too preoccupied to make a significant difference.

 - A Mother's Heart: A Look at Values, Vision, and Character for the Christian Mother

"Rings and jewels are not gifts, but apologies for gifts.  The only true gift is a portion of thyself."

-Emerson

embracing my limitations

I'm sharing my thoughts from A Mother's Heart: A Look at Values, Vision, and Character for the Christian Mother this week.  This quote is one that hit home with me.

...we sometimes view our children as a hindrance to our involvement in God's plan. Anyone who has tried to lead a Bible study while keeping a toddler entertained or counsel a distraught friend while a baby cries in the background knows how difficult it can be. We need to remind ourselves and each other that our family is our primary ministry and not a frustrating obstacle to "real" ministry.

This is a good reminder for me.  I'm in a season of saying no, staying home and focusing on these little ones.  It's not what I necessarily imagined I would be doing.  Sometimes I have moments where I think about my giftings and talents, things I'm good at that I'm not doing.  It can be a little frustrating.  I'll hear of a need in church or somewhere and think, "I could do that."  And then remember, no, I can't do that, not now.  Maybe later.  I don't know when.  I don't know when this season will end.  I'm sure at some point I'll feel able to add something to my plate, little by little possibly as the children become more independent.

In the meantime I am determined not to miss out on this precious time while I'm at home.  I want to make the most of it because I know it won't last forever.  That's part of the reason I do this blog.  To visually see the things we're doing,  document these days, share the successes and triumphs, get encouragement through the tough times and find a connection.  Thanks for reading along, by the way, and sharing in our journey!

It is encouraging to view this season with purpose and excitement.  Here's something to remember when the day seems to be dragging.

The aspect of mothering that excites me most is knowing I am making a permanent difference in my children's lives. I am a woman of influence. I impart values, stimulate creativity, develop compassion, modify weaknesses, and nurture strengths. I can open life up to another individual. and I can open an individual up to life.

When I read my child a story I am doing far more than entertaining him. I am expanding his world with language, words, thoughts, and imagination.

When I sit beside my child's bed at night to talk and pray, I'm doing far more than cultivating a bedtime ritual. I'm tuning in to what he is thinking, catching up on his day, listening for fears, hopes, and questions. This personal time gives me an opportunity to point him to the Lord Jesus Christ and His relevance to the situations my child faces.

A Mother's Heart, a book review

I have a huge line up of books to read - I'm so excited about that. In the meantime I want to make sure I take the time to process and reflect on what I've read so far. I just finished, A Mother's Heart: A Look at Values, Vision, and Character for the Christian Mother.  This book was a treasure. I gained encouragement from it and I want some of these nuggets to go deep into my soul.

One of the key things I'm taking away from this book is about having a vision for the task. 

Here's a quote:

If commitment to our role as a mother languishes, this may be true not because the job is too small or unchallening but because our vision is too small.  Our dreams for our task may be thin and weak.  We fail to hear God's call and miss the broad scope of the possibilities before us.  We focus instead on the routine activities and demands - changing diapers, potty training, clenaing up messes, telling the kids for the fifth time not to slam the door - and miss any sense of a higher calling. 

Mothers, look up and look ahead!  Ask yourself:  In five, ten, twenty, even forty years, what will I wish that I had done today?  We want to avoid reaching the end of our lives with regret.  Look ahead, decide what is really important and plan to live accordingly. 

Solomon wrote, "A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it" (Proverbs 22:3).  He repeated this saying in Proverbs 27:12.  Perhaps Solomon repeated this proverb because too few of us look ahead, assess our situation, and change direction when necessary.

Several years ago, I heard a dedicated missionary share what she would do differently if she could start raising her family again.  This woman was committed to Christ and his cause, and she spent her life serving others - so the depth and quality of her life made me sit up and listen when she shared.  She said she would stay home more, be kinder to her children and feed them spiritually.

...I long to become more kind in my reactions towards my own children.

I feel like that is my heart's cry right now.  More kindness, more patience, more vision and purpose.  I feel really challenged. 

The rest of the book talks about our calling and vision, values, prayer, taking care of ourselves, teaching, discipline and some creative ideas mixed in.  She really challenges mothers to step it up!

In every generation mothers must answer the call to be what no one else can be and to do what no one else can do for their children.  It isn't that mothers can't do many other things, but if they refuse to accept their calling as mothers some child ends up short changed.  And the empty space that mother leaves echos for generations. 

Mothers are neither the cause of all society's ills nor the saviors of the nation.  But the future of society does depend, in part, on what we do with the children under our care. 

What a challenge!  I'll be sharing more thoughts on the book the rest of this week.

Week in review

I've been struggling a little bit to get back into a groove with the boys and homeschooling after my trip.  This week feels like we're getting our rhythm back, so I thought it would be fun to post some of our successful moments.

Kai made this guy and called him Tim.  We've been having fun including Tim in all kinds of activities.  It makes me laugh seeing his creepy face peering through doorways or propped up against the wall!

If you've been following along, you know about my math struggles.  Our math curriculum is out the window, so I have to just make things up until we find something we like.  This week we did M&M math, just for fun and something different. 

It was fun because it was something we could do all together.

 

Kai had extra practice after his brothers lost interest. I was surprised to find he likes doing timed drills in addition so we've done several a day and he's getting faster. I like hearing him talk to himself, "Come on, Kai, you know this!"

We did some subtraction practice with marshmallows, eating them one by one and counting them.

Making sensory boxes is something I've been wanting to do for awhile.  These ideas are from Pink and Green Mama blog.  This one is a "construction box" filled with sand, rocks, and all construction related cars and trucks.

We died rice blue using hand sanitizer and blue food coloring in a ziploc bag.

This is an Ocean in a box.  We collected all ocean related toys and put arranged them in the box with the rice. 

I took this picture through my kitchen window, it's a view of the boys playing happily while I fixed lunch.  These boxes have provided hours of fun for the boys. 

Lots and lots of reading

This is a picture of Scott reading Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein.  Scott has done a lot of reading aloud this week.  We started Dr. Doolittle, which on our Sonlight reading list is scheduled for the next four weeks.  Well, they got so into it they finished it in three days! 

How was your week?