When cups are full

There's a beautiful description of attachment in Playful Parenting.  The author uses an analogy of cups being filled up or emptied out.  Whenever we meet our children's needs in a loving, caring way we are filling up their cup.  Love, attention, affection, connection and playing are all things that fill them up. 

At the same time things happen every day that empty children's cups - disappoinments, failures, frustrations, pressures, friends, siblings and our own reactions/actions as parents can leave kids running 1/2 full or even on empty. 

You can begin to recognize when children's cups are leaky or even empty.  Disorganized behavior, aggression, recklessness, mean-ness on end of the spectrum or excessive fearfulness and timidity on the other side are all symptoms of cups running low. 

When children's cups are full they will exhibit true confidence and security.  With a full cup children are able to be kind, cooperative and compassionate.  We can view behaviors and discipline in light of these cups.  The best way to change negative behavior is to provide a refill!

So in light of this, the job of parenting can be described as continually filling our children's cups.  Isn't that beautiful and at the same time terrifying? 

The book left one important question un-answered.  Where do we as parents get this love to pour onto our children?  Do you ever feel that you're running on empty yourself?  I sure do!  And we go looking to fill our cups in all the wrong places.  Listen to this in Jeremiah 2:13

"My people have committed two sins:

They have forsaken me,

the spring of living water,

and have dug their own cisterns,

broken cisterns that cannot hold water." 

There's only One Source that will truly satisfy.  The Fountain of Living Water.  We have to be filled with this love from Above each and every day.  And the job of parenting can then be described as taking this water and pouring the love of God over our children. 

Feeling Powerless

I'm sharing Playful Parenting techniques from my journal again today. ( Here, here and here are previous posts I've written on the topic).

Scenario 1:

Today the boys were playing with a belt.  Kai was pulling it while Ezra and Jude pulled the other way.  It was a fun game at first until Ezra got really frustrated and started crying and yelling at Kai.  I was coming over to help them sort the whole thing out when I decided to try another tactic. 

I grabbed the belt and ran, "Try to get me!"  At first Ezra looked at me angrily.  Kai and Jude were giggling and began to chase me.  Soon Ezra was giggling, too.  He chased me and I let him get the belt from me.  He threw it behind the couch declaring it to be in "cortis" (timeout in Costa Rica).  I began to sob really loud.  The boys were cracking up.  Kai came in with another belt which ended up in "cortis" too, behind the couch.  I sobbed again.  More laughs.  Then I said, "Let's have a snack."  And everyone went giggling happily to the table.

Imagine if you took all the time you now spend fussing at siblings to stop fighting, and you spent it playing with them.  What would happen?  I bet they'd fight less, enjoy each other more, and you'd have fun, too.  A great game for siblings is to grab the thing they are fighting over and run."

"If you think about what makes children giggle, often it's when reality is suspended and roles are reversed.  These are giggles of liberation as they are freeing themselves from worries, fears, and especially from feeling powerless over their lives.  They laugh, and their world is set right again."

Scenario 2:

Ezra was having a tough morning - crying over everything, getting angry, frustrated, not playing happily with his brothers.  We were outside looking at our hermit crabs.  Jude went inside to get them water.  He came back with a cupful and poured it into their bowl.  Ezra got mad because he wanted to pour it, not jude.  He bumped the habitat so Jude would spill and then laughed at him.  I asked him to stop because that was mean.  He sat on the floor and started crying. 

"When children are being mean, they are often sending us a signal that they are in need of more love and affection.  The problem is that we may not feel very inclined to offer much affection to children who have been mean, or sassy, or difficult.  Perhaps that's why children feel as if love is a scarce commodity sometimes.  If we get over our reluctance to give out love to children who have been "bad," then it won't be scarce anymore."

"Let's play a game!" I said.  We started with Go-Fish, but it wasn't going so well.  So we turned it into a huge memory game.  Kai got bored and drifted off to read, which was perfect because it gave me a chance to engage with Ezra.  "Let's play the game where Ezra gets all the matches!"  "Yeah!"  So Ezra went around and found all the matches with me cheering for him and calling him the Super-Match Man.  Yay!  And then we went to have a big glass of orange juice (Ezzy's favorite).  Now I see a major change in Ezra's behavior.  He's playing happily with Jude like the sweet, creative, silly, imaginative boy that he is!

"Some parents fear that letting their children play this way will leave them unprepared for the cold, cruel world of their peers.  Other children, after all, would never let them get away with such selfishness.  On the contrary, being in charge of the play and the rules fills children's cup (their need for love and security)- and that refill then leaves them more able to play happily on a level playing field with their peers.  It also helps them play out their tensions and upsets about the confusing world of games, rules, and competition." 

A lot of these ideas are really new to me.  I feel like as a mom I've been carrying a lot of stress and it's hard for me to just loosen up and be silly.  More often than not I'm cracking the whip, so to speak.  But I'm finding the benefits are incredible. So let's get down on the floor and play, laugh and have fun with our kids this week - and see what could happen!

Emotions in kids

I'm working my way through, Playful Parenting, and journaling some of my experiences.  I thought I would share straight out of my journal with you this week! 

Scenario 1:

Today we went to our neighbor's birthday party.  Kai was invited to stay over longer with the bigger kids after the party.  Ezra didn't notice until we got home and he asked, "Where is Kai?"  I explained to him that Kai was invited to stay.  Ezra proceeded to burst into tears and sob and sob.  He wanted Kai to come home and play with him; he wanted to go back over, too.  I think deep down he just wanted to be included.  "I NEVER GET TO DO WHAT I WANT!"  Tears and sadness. 

I was in the middle of cleaning the kitchen.  I wanted him to just stop and play with Jude who was happily playing with cars.  His crying and fussing was so irritating to me.  "I don't want to play with Jude!!!"  I wiped my hands and sat on a stool and pulled Ezzy onto my lap.  I held him and scratched his back while he cried and cried.  I echoed his feelings to him and told him I understood how he felt.  Keeping myself calm and comforting while wondering, Will this crying ever stop?

All-of-a-sudden he stopped crying and looked at me with bright eyes.  "Let's bounce a ball on a blanket!  Like one of our soccer balls!"  I suggested a beach ball.  His face lit up.  "Oh yeah!  That would be better!"  he went to get the beach ball.  I got a blanket and roped in Jude and Scott.  We all stood there laughing and bouncing the ball around, for only a few minutes.  Then Ezzy and Jude drifted off to go play together. 

"Many people will do anything to get the crying to stop:  bribe, threaten, tease, plead, scold, send the child away, give in to unreasonable demands.  If we just accept the feelings and let them flow, they don't cause half as much fuss.  And after the tears are really done, everyone feels better."

"Tears are good.  When we release grief and loss and sadness through crying, we generally feel much better, think more clearly, and recover.  These benefits are especially true when we cry with someone who is caring and empathic."

Scenario 2:

Almost time to go out the door - change clothes, eat dinner quickly.  I'm going to my Bible study.  "Why do you always have to go?" says Kai in a very whiny voice.  It feels like such a selfish question.  It's the one thing I do - the only time I ever leave them.  And Kai - the oldest - is fussing about it.  I'm trying to make dinner quickly and Kai starts crying.  Arrgh.  Ok, Leslie, Stop.  Deep breaths.  He's crying - give him comfort - he feels sad.  I remind myself of this because I don't feel very compassionate about his tears at that moment.  So I go in his room and hold him on my lap, just hugging him.  He's so stiff and not very snuggly - but he needs it as much as the others.  Finally through the sobs, it comes out - it's not really about me leaving, it's about something else that happened in the day.  We talk it through.  Now he's fine, ready to hop off and play.  I hold on a little longer - make sure it's all out.  And he's fine again - happier than ever!

"Emotions don't come from nowhere.  It is presumptuous for us to decide which tears to be compassionate about and which ones to dismiss."

"We can cry alone, but it is so much more healing to cry on someone's shoulder.  That's why I recommend that parents not send their children to their rooms to cry alone, or leave them alone to cry themselves to sleep.  It is more time-consuming to stay with them, to help them let out their feelings of loneliness and sadness, but those feelings don't just go away because we shut the door on them."

"If I limit myself to one piece of advice to adults about children's crying, it is this:  Please do not send them off alone to cry.  Tears can be a tremendous opportunity for strengthening a connection between any two people, but especially between parent and child."

The best parenting book...

If you haven't guessed already, I'm talking about the Bible!  When thinking about discipline or parenting in the Bible, most people tend to think of the classic, "spare the rod, spoil the child" scripture.

But, there is a much bigger perspective, I think.

For instance, look at all the times God is referred to as our Father.  That being the case, I think we can look at God's nature and character as a reference or model for parenting.  What kind of father is God?  How does he parent us?  Here are some thoughts and things I've been journaling lately -

On punishment:

"The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.  ...He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve."    Psalm 103:8

Instead of focusing on punishment, focus on meeting our children's needs:

"Your Father knows exactly what you need even before you ask him!"  Matthew 6:8

Translate their behaviors into needs.  Are they bored?  Play with them.  Are they trying to get attention?  Give it to them.  Are they sad? frustrated? angry? scared?  Comfort them.   Meet their needs, don't punish them for these things.

And their greatest need?  Love.  Keep those little love tanks full, in the same way our heavenly Father continues to fill us up with His love each day.

"But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me."  Psalm 42:8

Something I've been reflecting on is the fact that it's not what we do, we can't win God's approval by our actions.  Our children have a deep need to know that we love them as they are, not for what they do.

How to deal with anger in our children:

"A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare." Proverbs 15:1 

On Modeling as a method:

"Don't Lord it over the people assigned to your care, but lead them by your own good example."  1 Peter 5:3

On repentance or spanking:

"Don't you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you?  Does this mean nothing to you?  Can't you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?"  or in the NIV, "...God's kindness leads you toward repentance."

I'm so glad God doesn't spank me. It's His kindness that leads to repentance, His great love that makes me want to obey. His intimacy makes it a joy to serve and give and be a part of His family. I want to be more like that. Holy Spirit, Heavenly Father, help me parent my children the way you parent me.

What's going on with Jude?

This is a journal entry from September 10:

Ever since I got back from my trip, Jude has been like a different kid. He's so clingy. He wants me to carry him everywhere and do everything for him. He wants nothing to do with Scott - only mommy. And he keeps shouting for things in a high-pitched, stressed-out voice, "I need JUICE!!" It is so frustrating, irritating, exasperating! I love this boy with all my heart, but I'm at my wits end with him.

Definitely I can see that when I went on that trip it caused some stress in little Jude's life.  Not only did I leave him, I brought the baby with me.  I chose Koa over him.  That's painful.  It's been tough to get that connection back with him.  The hard thing is, I know that what he needs is more connection, but his behavior is causing the opposite to happen.  And with three other children, including a baby, it's really hard to re-connect.  And honestly, I don't even know how to reconnect!

Well, I started reading a new book, Playful Parenting, and I had the breakthrough I've been praying for. I never realized before that play is such a powerful way to connect with our children. 

"Since fun and laughs are the currency of children's play, we may need some work on lightening up a bit.  When we get disconnected from children - and we do, again and again - play is our best bridge back to deep connection with them."

So, yesterday I determined to be more playful and see what would happen.  I needed to go grocery shopping and decided that I would take my little "tiger cubs" shopping.  When I took each one out of the van I gave them a little tug at the back of their necks with my mouth, the way a momma tiger carries her cubs.  Jude's eyes were twinkling.  He thought this was the greatest thing ever. Instead of buying food we were hunting, and our grocery bags were our meat.  The boys helped carry the bags into the car by carrying them in their mouths like little tigers.  It was hysterical.

"When we are exhausted or when we are at the end of our rope, we tend to think that play will be just more of an energy drain.  But when we engage playfully with our children, we find that sudenly we do have the energy, both for fun and for finding creative solutions to thorny problems."

That night Kai, Ezzy and Koa all fell asleep, but Jude was still awake.  This is a situation that could potentially frustrate me, but I decided to keep the playfulness going just to see what would happen.  We started out playing tigers again.  He was the baby tiger, I was the mommy and Scott was the daddy.  Then we were hawks and the daddy hawk taught him how to fly and the mommy hawk fed him some worms.  Then we were hermit crabs.  Again he was the baby and Scott and I were the parents.  We had to hide in our shells a lot.  Next we were bears, but this time he was a "big boy bear."  His voice changed a little bit, he was being more confident and doing more things as a big boy bear.  Then I suggested that the big boy bear was tired.  He went to lay down by Koa, still as the "big boy bear" whispering that the big boy bear wouldn't wake up the baby.

Jude's face as I entered his world of imaginary play was incredible.  Eyes alive, alert, engaged.  Facial expression serious, concentrated, intense, fully engrossed in what he was imagining.  He was seriously happy - like I haven't seen him in quite some time. 

Now today he seems to have a deeper contentment, he seems more brave, more able to risk being a "big boy" and know that I'll be here, buiding trust back with me.

A friend came by who's known to be a big Jude fan.  Since my trip Jude has been very grumpy and mean with this friend who used to be his pal.  Well, today Jude was being friendly, silly and engaging once more.  "Wow, he's getting back to like he was before,"  he said.  Yes, he is.   I think my Jude is back to stay.
 

Developing character in our kids

Do you ever see a negative character trait expressed in your child and just cringe?  I believe that part of my job as mom is to help my children in their character development.  In the midst of dealing with difficult behaviors, I have to take deep breaths and remind myself to have grace.  Change is a process.  I have to pray about how to best address these things.  And I have to be diligent and not give up, even though it can be an exhausting process.

It helps to reflect, too.  The hard ages for me to deal with seem to be ages 4&5.  I remember going through a really difficult time with Kai at these ages.  I had times where I wondered if I would ever see results?  Would he ever get it?  "It's ok to be angry, but it's not ok to hit, scream, etc."  I repeated this phrase over and over and over again.  I can look back now and honestly say, he got it.  He did learn and he has gained a good measure of self-control over his emotions.  That's what I have to remember as I deal with Ezra and Jude who each turned 3 and 5 and seem to have entered into new phases with new challenges.

I'm working on teaching them about Honor.  According to this book, honor means: 

Treating people as special

Doing more than what's expected

Having a good attitude

I really like that. 

One last thought

I wanted to share one last bit out of A Mother's Heart.

Drying the dishes one afternoon, I felt trapped.  The children were being especially raucous, and I felt irritated.  They seemed to rub against each other like sandpaper, and a tone of disharmony prevailed.  "What's wrong with them?" I asked as I became more annoyed.

Then I paused and considered myself.  Had I set the unpleasant tone?  Had I been impatient and unkind in my dealings with them?  Had I given them any undivided attention that day?

Gradually, I saw that I was not an innocent victim held captive by a bunch of hooligans.  I was part of the problem, perhaps even the originator of the problem.  How could I turn things around?  I hung up my dish towel and focused my attention on them.

I gathered up several library books and a blanket, and we all climbed onto the couch and covered our legs with the blanket.  I read to them for only half an hour, but the closeness and warmth changed the tone.  No further action was necessary.  I didn't have to correct or lecture them.  It was enough to change my attitude.

To be wise, every woman must start with herself (p. 67-678). 

I was having a really tough morning with Kai the other day when this scene from the book popped in my head.  It actually took extreme effort on my part, but I stopped engaging in the conflict with my children, gathered books and pulled the children onto the couch with me.  We read this book that my sister-in-law gave me.

It did the trick!  Just reading and being together calmed everyone down.  Kai went back to his school work with renewed energy and enthusiasm.  He chose one of the verses in this book to do for his copywork and I copied some of the scriptures that he liked to hang on his wall.

Another confession

I have another confession. I have a slight obsession with parenting books. I'm not quite sure why. I think first and foremost because the topic of children is one that has always interested me. It's what I studied in college and went to graduate school for. Now as a parent I am very intrigued with the way people parent their children. I'm interested in what other people do, what works for them, what they suggest and what the results are. 

Another reason I turn to these books is when I get to a frustration point with my children. When nothing I'm doing seems to be working, I want a quick fix. I want someone to just tell me what to do, really. So I start diving in looking for answers. This way never works, though. Because the reality is, there is no magic formula for parenting. There are no answers, and there is no one you can turn to to tell you, as the mom, what to do with your own children. Sure, a lot of these books proclaim to offer all the answers and if you follow their step-by-step instructions you will have perfectly behaved children. Sounds good, right? Of course it does.

I love what Donald Miller has to say about our human desire to search for a magic formula for life.

"I looked on my shelf at all the self-help books I happened to own... and I realized none of them actually helped me that much. All the promises of fulfillment really didn't work. My life was fairly normal before I read them, meaning I had good days and bad days, and then my life was fairly normal after I read them too, meaning I still had good days and bad days. It made me wonder, honestly, if such a complex existence as the one you and I are living can really be broken down into a few steps. It seems if there was a formula to fix life, Jesus would have told us what it was."

Ba bam.

And then he goes on and says later on,

"I know there are people who have actually gone from misery to happiness, but they didn't do it by walking through three steps; they did it because they had a certain set of parents and heard a certain song and knew somebody who had a certain experience and saw some movie, read some book, had something happen to them like a car wreck or a trip to Seattle. Then they called on God, and a week later read something in a magazine or met a girl in Wichita, and when all this happened they had an epiphany, and somebody may have helped them fulfill what this epiphany made them feel, and several years later they rationalized this mystic experience with three steps, then they told the three steps to us in a book. I'm not saying they weren't trying to be helpful; I bring this up only because life is complex, and the idea that you can break it down or fix it in a few steps is rather silly.

The truth is there are a million steps, and we don't even know what the steps are, and worse, at any given moment we may not be willing or even able to take them; and still worse, they are different for you and me and they are always changing. I have come to believe the sooner we find this truth beautiful, the sooner we will fall in love with the God who keeps shaking things up, keeps changing the path, keeps rocking the boat to test our faith in Him, teaching us not to rely on easy answers, bullet points, magic mantras, or genies in lamps, but rather in His guidance, His existence, His mercy, and His love."

And really that's what it comes down to. When I reach that wall, that frustration point. The ONLY one who can tell me what to do, guide me, direct me, and above all CHANGE MY HEART, (which is really the only thing that will bring about change in the situation), is God, and He does have the answers I seek.

Having said all that, I still do like parenting books. I haven't just tossed them out the window because they don't offer all that they claim to. I like to read them because I find good ideas in them. Maybe something I haven't tried before. Or maybe something that I already know, but a good reminder, like a pep talk from a coach. A chapter here, a chapter there keeps my thoughts fresh, helps keep me focused on being the mom that I want to be.

Recently I actually got my husband to read a book with me. I am so happy about this. We're already over half-way through it, and he's reading it aloud to me in the evening. The thing I like the most about this is not the actual book itself, but the way it causes Scott and I to start dialoguing. Talking about how we were brought up, or things we do that we want to change, or what we could do differently or better. Reading together helps us to have these conversations that we wouldn't naturally have.

The book talks about Honor-based parenting. I really like that concept. I like the idea of teaching our children honor. That we honor each other in our daily lives, in how we interact with each other.

We're doing something fun right now that we call the "Honor Challenge" We made a poster and wrote down all the things that are honoring behavior. Respect, Listening, Obedience, Kindness, Love, Politeness, Helpfulness, etc.  Then we wrote each persons name and a place for stickers. The rule is you can't give yourself a sticker, or ask for a sticker for yourself. You have to look around at everyone in the family and give other people stickers when you see them do something honoring. It's so much fun to see the boys running to give each other stickers when someone shares, or is kind, or polite. And we're working together. When we fill up our stickers we'll go get a pizza or ice cream as a whole family for a special treat. The reason we're doing this is because our children are still so little and it helps to make the concepts of honor more concrete. It helps them to be aware and see and recognize honoring behavior.

So I'm glad I'm reading that book because it brought my attention to honor. Sure, it lists seven steps to transform your family, that probably won't actually transform my family. Instead we'll probably grow and change "slowly and with time, the way a tree grows by a river," as the Holy Spirit works in us. But focusing on honor and teaching our children these concepts is still a great thing to do.

 

 

a great post about sibling rivalry

I really liked this post at Holy Experience. I read it to the boys this morning, summarizing it in ways that they could understand. I couldn't get through it without crying. The pictures are impacting and I think Ezzy and Kai really got the message of it.

I also liked this 10 point manifest for joyful mothering also from Holy Experience and wanted to share it here, too.


1. Today, I will make our home a house of prayer. I will pray at set times. And I will invite oru children to come move into an interior space that lives with God.

2. Today, I will transfigure all things into beauty, and I will refuse to see anything else.

3. Today, I will nto have any emergencies. There are no emergencies! Only amateurs hurry.

4. Today, when stress mounts, I pray to dismount it with gratitude. My stress management plan will be intervention with verbal thanks. I can only feel one feeling at a time, and I choose to give thanks at all times. Fight feeling with feeling!

5. Today, I will pray to speak words that are only STRONG words, words that make these children feel strong. Grace words. Grace is the only non-toxic air. All other words I breathe are death words.

6. Today, I will pray to be consistently consistent. I will create safe rhythms that our children can find security in. I will create daily ceremonies because everyday we are celebrating the gift of now!

7. Today, the moment when I am most repelled by a child's behavior, that is my sign to draw the very closest to that child.

8. Today, I will hug each of my children as many times as I serve them meals - because children's hearts feed on touch. I'll look for as many opportunities to touch my children today as possible - the taller they are, the more so.

9. Today, my priorities will be all Things Unseen.

10. Today, I will laugh! And I will let the little children laugh! I will create a culture of JOY!

Wow, what a challenging list! I am especially challenged by number 7. I think that is going to be my specific goal for the next few days. I'm struggling with Ezra again. I've mentioned his behavior before on this blog site. He has such an intensity about him. He's at a really high frustration level right now too. He wants things to be a certain way and if they aren't he gets so upset. I feel like I relate to him, I know how he feels. I was a lot like him as a child. So, I actually feel bad for him because it's hard to feel that way. But then when the crying just continues and continues and won't stop, I start to lose my patience and I don't know what to do anymore. Especially because his crying is usually interrupting something else and interfering with other things we're doing or waking up a baby that I struggled so hard to get to sleep. So, I'm going to keep praying and keep drawing closer to him. Even when I don't know what to do, God does and so I'm going to lean on Him more to show me how to love this little boy beyond my own strength.

A Better Day

So yesterday I cried. And I prayed. As I went to bed I determined in my heart to have a better day. Basically, I am over-tired, losing my patience, yelling at my children and feeling angry and frustrated. Homeschool is overwhelming me, I'm trying to do too much and things are turning into power-struggles with my kids. This is not how I want to be! This is not my dream for homeschool! So I determined to RELAX, ENJOY my children, re-adjust my priorities, have fun and do better. These posts really helped: A Steady Days Excerpt: Enthusiasm and The Family Hour: Recess for Everyone as well as a good long chat with an encouraging friend. God is so good!

So, I am happy to share with you now my "better day."

I started the morning off having all the boys jump in bed with me and I said sorry for being such a grumpy mommy. They gave me big, reassuring hugs and we started the day off with smiles and love and a few good stories. I've been trying to fit too much into our school days and the things that get dropped are all the science experiments. So today was science day, doing all the fun projects we skipped. Oh, Kai was so joyful. He has truly been longing for this day. "I want to be a scientist when I grow up," he said confidently this morning. That's actually his very first, what-I-want-to-be-when-I-grow-up comment.

We started out examining soil. Kai added one scoop of soil to a jar. Then two scoops of water.

Shake it up and then let it sit for two hours.

The soil separates into layers. The top layer is humus, then comes clay, then sand and finally small rocks at the bottom. Believe me, this completely amazed my children!

Next we examined leaf litter. This is the stuff that decomposes to make the top layer of soil. Kai gathered a bunch in a bag.

We dumped it out on a piece of paper on the table to go through. This stuff is disgusting! We found lots of cobwebs, little creepy crawlies, dead things and other nastiness. All things boys love!

Finally, we examined leaves. Each boy went out to collect some cool leaves.

We took a look at all the different leaves and talked about each one.

Then we did some leaf rubbings.

As I put my boys to bed tonight, things just felt so much more peaceful, happy, calm. My heart is full of love, not irritation. And instead of dreading it, I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow. Thank you, Jesus!

p.s. All these activities and more are part of our Sonlight curriculum and found in this book:

Usborne Science Activities, Vol. 2

Sibling Love

me and my sis

Having four boys spaced so close together in age, the topic of "sibling rivalry" is a huge one for me. Seeing my boys play together nicely is one of the things that warms my heart the most. At the same time, nothing irritates or frustrates me more than listening to arguing, screaming, crying, hitting and fighting.

This topic is so important to me not just for my own peace, but also because I believe that sibling relationships have a pivotal role in shaping a child's life and view of themselves. In addition, I believe the home is where children begin to develop the skills they will use for all the caring relationships in their life. There's so much they need to know! Problem solving skills are essential - not just for sibling relationships, but for all of life. Unconditional love, respect, kindness, sharing, listening and empathy are other characteristics that need to be developed. But how? Maybe I'll ponder on these things in another post, but for now I wanted to share one simple little thing I do that helps with sibling rivalry and I think other moms might enjoy this too. I tell my boys stories from my childhood growing up.

My older sister and I truly were best buddies and so I share with my boys how special that was for me. I tell about games we used to play, adventures we had together, jokes we thought were funny, and on and on. Especially at times when fighting is at a high point, I'll start throwing in stories casually at random times throughout the day -for instance while eating lunch, bathtime, or bedtime. They find it so fascinating! Down to the smallest, silliest story, they think it's just great! I get frequent request to, "Tell about when you were little." I'd like to think that maybe these stories inspire them to get along and be friends.

I think this idea could work for any parent, no matter how you grew up. If it wasn't so ideal, you could share about that and how hard it was and things from that perspective. You may find, like me, that your children are more interested in your childhood than you would expect and that they can learn from our experiences - positive and negative. As for me, I'm having fun digging up old memories and sharing them with my little ones. What about you - have you found the same to be true? Do you have any tips to share for dealing with sibling rivalry?

More 30 minute blog challenges at Steady Mom

help for writing

Since starting homeschool I realized pretty quickly that Kai is struggling with writing. He's not very confident and handwriting is a source of frustration for him. He avoids writing anything at all costs. This hinders a lot of areas of school, so I know it's something we need focus on. So we've been practicing writing in different mediums - rice, cornmeal, even oatmeal. Well, I got this idea from my friend, Sarah Dawn's blog in the comments section and had to give it a try. The comment suggested writing in different mediums that are fun to eat - like chocolate syrup. I knew my kids would go nuts over this!

We started with a blob of chocolate syrup on a big plate.

Dip fingers in, make some swirls...

and lick!

More swirls...

...more licks! Can you tell Jude's having fun?

Kai works on his spelling words...

with a smile!

Ezra draws and licks too!

The best part is licking the plate when they finish!

yum!

This is another fun one we tried. We whipped up a batch of whipped cream.


Put a glob on a plate...

...and let the fun begin! Ezzy practices making circles and sticks, which is great preparation for writing.

Kai does his spelling and writing practice

All these activities may look like just too much fun, but I am seeing some huge results. All this practice in different mediums is boosting his confidence and skill, which leads to...

this! Real writing on real paper with a real pencil!

No tears and no fuss.

Very careful, neat work.

It feels so good to do a nice job!